As strange as it sounds, the Shepherd's Psalm was a source of worry to
me when I was about the tender age of four/five.

No, it never gave me nightmares. Instead,what intrigued me was the
line 'I shall not want'.

To my naive mind, I could not fathom why the silly shepherd would not
'want' the same lord he'd just declared subservience to.
Was this a typo, I asked myself? Had the printers mistakingly replaced
'want' with lack'?

Later on, I got to understand that both words were synonyms and
grasped the theme, the protector-protectee relationship.

In modern times, the law and related agencies have continued to
attempt full security of the human life as in that psalm.

In Nigeria, the police is half-useless and I do not have precious time
to spare in elucidating on that subject as it is. The Nigerian has
decided to follow the DIY path. Securitymen, vigilanté services et
al... have come to the rescue.
Some are effective,others are not.

Of psalms and effectiveness of security agencies, this is not the time.
Rather, this piece dwells on a quite comic scenario and the
after-reflections that happened the morning of Sunday, 03 Jan 2010.

Y'see, I was the last person to leave for church that day. Just as I
finished applying the last of my makeup (I don't take them things
lightly), there was a knock on the door.

Who's that? I asked.
No answer.
Who be rat? I repeated mischieviously.
Civil Defence Forces... a husky voice replied.
Eh? Civil Defence what?

My curiousity was all fired up by this time. I went to the door as
calmly as I could and beheld with my eyes, two members of the local
vigilante group only and not the platoon of rifle-wielding marines my
mind had conjured.

I chuckled. This new nomenclature system where barbers call themselves
hair consultants and gossips prefer to be referred to as freelance
reporters,I murmured inaudibly.

Aloud, I said... Good morning.
Good morning, husky-voice, a dreadlocked lanky thing whose shoulders
were sagging under the weight of his rather oversize head, answered.

He handed me a cheaply designed I.V card, a crossmatch of oily yellow
and pale sickly blue on a red background with some drab patterns
splashed across.
Give to your dad, he said before leaving with his partner.

I fingered the card. It was a sight to not behold!
What was a sight to behold was the text in crisp Arial Narrow on the
card. It was an invite by the city vigilanté union (which profession
hasn't got a one these days?)to a 100 MILLION NAIRA SECURITY EQUIPMENT
FUND LAUNCHING!

Cautious not to crack a rib, I quickly dropped the card in my room and
ran out of the house. I did not want to risk my ribs by laughing at
all.

Now, it beats my imagination that these folks even have the temerity
to talk of a hundred million bucks when an annual State Police
Command's budget may not even rival half of that amount.

It is stomach-churning to attempt imagining the equipment they claim
to want to buy. Bazookas, armoured trunks or what? Do they want to
send delegations to North Korea and Iran for nuclear weapons to combat
crime by robbers and night wanderers generally?

The term 'million' has been greatly devalued. Seriously too.

From rapper Lil Wayne to financial analysts, public thinking has been
shaped such that when someone mentions 'million', what comes to mind
is the image of a cashier handing out just a couple of wads to a
customer. 'One million naira ONLY', the cheque displays.

No thanks to the introduction of high-denomination notes in recent
years, Internet scams and reality shows, the reputation of the million
continues to be further damaged. All of this is why some individuals
can set a target of N100m for a 'security equipment' fundraising and
not blink eyelids. The world must be racing to its end then.

This piece will be as useless to national development and security of
the citizenry as the policeman on patrol or vigilante member who
sleeps for more hours of the night than my night watchman and myself
if I do not point out something very quickly. The Economic & Financial
Crimes Commission (EFCC) that prides itself as Nigeria's
anti-corruption Ceberus should also spread its dragnet to the rungs of
society (which these vigilante folks are part of) and investigate the
protelariat too, rather than just the bourgeosie only. If this
anti-graft war is to succeed, that is.

Otherwise...

It is my job as a responsible citizen to point out simple yet
unobserved facts like this and focus on salient issues rather than
fiddle with complexities like the patterns on the I.V. that now enjoys
somnolence in the coziness of my bin. Salient issues that include
devouring the plate of jollof rice and tartrare sauce nearby on my
table whose sweet-smelling savour and seduction I can no longer
resist. For as my pal and self-proclaimed Nigeria's Botaboi Comedian,
MC Erem theorizes, It Is Not A Small Something.